In a dramatic press conference held at a solar-powered taco truck on the steps of the California Capitol, Governor Gavin Newsom appeared in front of a crowd wearing a Patagonia fleece stitched entirely from recycled Tesla tires to deliver a passionate, contradictory message to oil refineries. "We are DONE being held hostage by your greed!" he declared, shaking his fist toward the smoggy horizon. "You poisoned our air, cooked our planet, and charged $7.89 for regular unleaded! You monsters! You villains! You... incredibly effective energy processors." He then paused, took a long sip from a reusable bamboo water bottle filled with oat milk, and added with a tear in his eye: "But also, please come back." The governor continued: "We need you to return — not because we like you — but because Californians are currently trading kidneys for a full tank of gas. I mean, my Uber Eats guy showed up on horseback yesterday. This cannot continue." Despite his plea, Newsom reaffirmed California’s commitment to green policies. "Let me be clear: When you return, we’re going to fine you, regulate you, sue you for climate crimes, and then demand you sell gas for under $3 while being 120% carbon negative. That's not a contradiction — that’s California innovation." When asked how he plans to entice the refineries back, Newsom unveiled a bold new initiative: "Cap-and-Beg™" — a modified version of the cap-and-trade program where oil companies are required to emit less carbon while also receiving handwritten love letters from the state legislature. "This is the balance we must strike," Newsom whispered dramatically, lighting a candle made of beeswax and irony. "Because in California, we believe in holding polluters accountable — while also needing a ride to Coachella."