I was supposed to go to the hospital on Friday night. The voices were pretty adamant. I made a post about it. Saying bye to the free world. I desperately didn’t want to go. I put it off for a day. I thought I’d be okay. Yesterday I was in the bathroom, and I started bleeding. I was waiting for my period to call this pregnancy, which should have started in about 10ish days if I wasn’t pregnant. Please don’t question me on the timing, it doesn’t make sense to me in some ways, but I FELT PREGNANT and my womb was active and moving over this past week. I have been off birth control since I was 20 years old, 14 years ago. I’ve never had an abnormal period. My cycle is long - about 33 days long. I’ve NEVER bled out of my cycle. The blood that came out had brown in it (indicating it was old blood, uterine lining), and it had little chunks. Old blood that was fleshy. I’m suffering from cramps continuously. Not mind bending cramps, but cramps. My blood is usually bright red and I’ve never experienced cramps in my normal cycle. There isn’t a lot of blood, just enough. Enough for a miscarriage this early. I’m miscarrying and I am at a level of instability that I haven’t felt in a near decade. I took myself to the ER, but it took too long, and what could be done?! I left, tried checking into the psych hospital so I could be watched because I was feeling suicidal. There was no room at the psychward, I had to come home. I’m going back on Monday when they have free beds. I told myself it would just be like a heavy period. I’m fucking unstable, I don’t know what a good decision is at the moment, I probably should have stayed at the ER. I should have listened. I’m too head strong. I thought I was a better woman than this. I thought I could be a leader, and say and do smart things. I don’t trust myself anymore. The pregnancy would be over 10 days in, up to two weeks along. The father and I are psychically connected. Take that for what you will. I hallucinate the shit out of my life, so my connection with alternative worlds is .........you know, who cares? Who fucking cares. I feel him in my heart, and I disobeyed his request to seek help. I’m a fucking mess. I’m going to curl up in my bed and cry. Try to reconnect with the father so my heart doesn’t shrivel up in itself. The blood isn’t too heavy, the cramping isn’t severe. I don’t think I’m far enough in. I just showed my grandmother what I’ve bled. We’re going to the hospital when my uncle wakes up. She didn’t believe me when I went to the hospital last night, they thought I was hallucinating. I’ll be okay.