Having been enjoying visitors from out of town, I was compelled to endure a viewing of Dudley Moore as the titular *Arthur* (1981). Moore’s obnoxious cackle mixed with a portrayal of pickling that would make a Sioux Irishman from Minsk drop dead in half an hour is the centerpiece of this alleged “comedy.” This, peripheral to a performance by the hideous and under talented Liza Minnelli as an inexplicably shoplifting waitress/actress with a heart of gold, makes for a film as painfully unfunny, boring, and awful as any to which I’ve ever been subjected. The drunken “protagonist” disrespects any and all in his life of any merit or value, including his long-suffering fiancée, patient father, and hardworking butler. He staggers and mumblefucks his way through the feature until the grand finale in which he embarrasses the people who’ve cared for him for the past several decades in exchange for the charmless Linda in what is seen as a “happy ending,” absent any consequences. It couldn’t be worse if they intentionally made it so. Its values are garbage. Its performances are abysmal. Its humor is nonexistent. Stay as far away as possible.