His demeanor is that my grandfather had when he still worked, tough as nails life, takes no shit. His mention of hurt himself today is me though, not with something to cause immediate pain but fucking up my life subconsciously since if I'm doing to good school and childhood programmed me to think self improvement will be ridiculed and it's punishment to even try it in vain. I am to lowly to be better or loved so I should just work, feel pain, and die so I'm out of everyone's hair. Johnny realized this world was made to make him hate himself and everyone around him, to not feel joy, and he's to stubborn to let them win so he lives in pain just out of spite of them and himself. I can identify, we're alone and pray for death yet fight it all at the same time since we've only spurts of real joy and the rest is feeling empty inside and pain.