I've been in a psychological trap for decades and only now have seen my way out. I'm posting this in case it helps someone else. Long ago I thought I was being thoughtful and careful when I postponed stuff I needed to get done. I wasn't putting it off, I was planning and making sure I would get it right. But when I noticed my pattern of behavior wasn't actually accomplishing much I spent years trying to sort myself out. (I was wrong, this isn't careful planning. I don't know what it is. So let me keep not doing anything while I sort myself out. I'm thinking things through.) This introversion led me to the conclusion that I was depressed and that explained my behavior. I am, in fact, depressed. But that didn't fully explain the behavior. But that's the excuse I used through long years of letting my life fall further apart. Then I said to myself, hold on. depressed or not you need to get shit done. Stop wallowing in self pity. I made an inspiring post online saying I'm through with self pity! I'm going to Get Shit Done! But I kept wallowing, hating myself and pledging over and over and over to Just Get Over it. But I knew depression is hard to cure, and over time I realized I had formed deep-set bad habits. A few months ago I told someone bitterly that I would be to depressed to accomplish anything that night. He answered, "too depressed or that's the plan?" So I've finally reached an epiphany, one that I wasted decades of my life to accomplish. I'm not doing this because I'm depressed, or thinking, or planning, or a victim of circumstance. Those may be true but they don't explain my behavior. I've been deciding to waste time. Over and over I've made a decision that I would rather make an excuse and intellectually or literally waste time masturbating or gaming, or studying shit I don't actually need to study or planning what ifs three branches past what is useful. I've been deliberately wasting precious hours of life. I'm not saying "This Stops Now!" as I have so many times when I thought I had reached a conclusion but this really does fit everything perfectly. It's dead simple to take responsibility for each decision I make. It's dead simple to look in the mirror and say, "Self, what have you DECIDED to do for the next ten minutes of your life?" And yes this post is yet another procrastination, but I think writing it out helped. I'm resetting the password for this throw-away back to "hamburger" so any future posts aren't me. Thanks for listening.