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467

When I was young, i didnt have the best childhood. My mom would beat us senseless for such mundane things as using the bathroom for too long, or not writing correctly. One of her favorite humiliation tools was to strip us down naked and start insulting us, we were too fat, we were too this, or too that. She would even watch us shower at times, to make sure we were "showering right". She was obsessed with sexuality, to the point she would complain we were wastes of space, we were only good for afterbirth, or make super lewd incest comments, with family there. Over time, both my brother and I learned to isolate mentally and supress all the feelings we had, since every single feeling that didn't look right was heavily used against us. Ever had a bad day in school? Beating. Reading too slow? Beating. Eating too fast? Beating. Everything was a beatworthy offense. My brother looked to alcohol to cope, and I looked to emotional isolation and withdrawal. Really we both started isolating hard, and over time projected our own mom's negativity back into our way of life.

This woman, is not perfect, but most of my problems with her, are just projections of my own insecurities, developed over the years. It's one of the reasons I don't bring up these issues to her, beyond a topical assessment or hunch. And even now that i'm dating her, my mom is in the background complaining that I'm not good enough, that she has to be mentally retarded to want to be with me, what does she see in me, who would be stupid enough to want to be with me, the usual parlez from my mom. My mom funnily enough actually sabotaged some of my very old relationships, claiming i had cancer(i dont), and making up lies about me, to have the other person break up with me.

Practically from my own assessment, this person im dating is very new to dating, has parental issues that caused her to be somewhat isolated towards her own family (didn't start dating at all until way later in life, with one failed relationship in her early years), has virtually no experience in doing anything outside what you would see in a very crappy RomCom. Really, nothing strikes me as out of this world dealbreaker on her. She holds to very pure ideals, sometimes misguided ideals. I can't find evidence that she doesn't believe in her ideals, just that she wants to be a better person. Not really a bad thing in my eyes, just seems to me she's a Christian idealist living in the wrong city, and for the relationship to truly work, I would just rehome her to somewhere more Bible friendly and white. Everything else is pretty easy to work through

When I was young, i didnt have the best childhood. My mom would beat us senseless for such mundane things as using the bathroom for too long, or not writing correctly. One of her favorite humiliation tools was to strip us down naked and start insulting us, we were too fat, we were too this, or too that. She would even watch us shower at times, to make sure we were "showering right". She was obsessed with sexuality, to the point she would complain we were wastes of space, we were only good for afterbirth, or make super lewd incest comments, with family there. Over time, both my brother and I learned to isolate mentally and supress all the feelings we had, since every single feeling that didn't look right was heavily used against us. Ever had a bad day in school? Beating. Reading too slow? Beating. Eating too fast? Beating. Everything was a beatworthy offense. My brother looked to alcohol to cope, and I looked to emotional isolation and withdrawal. Really we both started isolating hard, and over time projected our own mom's negativity back into our way of life. This woman, is not perfect, but most of my problems with her, are just projections of my own insecurities, developed over the years. It's one of the reasons I don't bring up these issues to her, beyond a topical assessment or hunch. And even now that i'm dating her, my mom is in the background complaining that I'm not good enough, that she has to be mentally retarded to want to be with me, what does she see in me, who would be stupid enough to want to be with me, the usual parlez from my mom. My mom funnily enough actually sabotaged some of my very old relationships, claiming i had cancer(i dont), and making up lies about me, to have the other person break up with me. Practically from my own assessment, this person im dating is very new to dating, has parental issues that caused her to be somewhat isolated towards her own family (didn't start dating at all until way later in life, with one failed relationship in her early years), has virtually no experience in doing anything outside what you would see in a very crappy RomCom. Really, nothing strikes me as out of this world dealbreaker on her. She holds to very pure ideals, sometimes misguided ideals. I can't find evidence that she doesn't believe in her ideals, just that she wants to be a better person. Not really a bad thing in my eyes, just seems to me she's a Christian idealist living in the wrong city, and for the relationship to truly work, I would just rehome her to somewhere more Bible friendly and white. Everything else is pretty easy to work through

(post is archived)

[–] • 5 pts

Move away from your mom, never contact her again. I had to do the same many years ago, it improved my life immensely.

[–] • 3 pts

Yes, this 100%. You are not obligated to be in a toxic relationship (romantic or otherwise) with anyone, even those who you are biologically related to, OP.

No wonder you’ve had so many issues. I don’t say that as an offense to you, you are innocent here, brother. None of this was your fault. But whether or not you realize it, your abusive AF upbringing has had an effect on you.

You really need to approach this like you would any medical issue.

If I was bitten by a poisonous snake, I would do two things. Get the fucking snake out of my life and seek medical attention.

This is no different, really. Get the snake out of your life and see a therapist.

You need to get the poison out and you also need to keep the snake away so that you don’t keep getting bitten.

[–] • 1 pt

Had to do the same and 100%

[–] • 1 pt

When Caller ID boxes first came out in the 90s I only got one to screen calls from my drunken mom. I remember being OVERJOYED when the phone rang, and I could see the number on the screen. DUCK! HAHAHAHAHA!

[–] • 1 pt

Just recently had to block my own mom. Everyone thinks I am cruel or crazy, but she is toxic drunk and I feel so much better lol.

[–] • 0 pt

Ever wonder why we attract the same circumstances and partners that share similar trauma? Why we find ourselves in the same exact situation over and over? I know nothing about you in reality, but I am guessing this is coming up for you now as an opportunity to process, clear, and re-program your subconscious. I would guess that because I have been through similar and although I still have much more to work through, I would like to encourage you that it is possible to re-program your mind and energy. The 1st chakra is the densest and has to do with your stability, childhood, mother and father connections, money, survival, and three-dimensional needs. you are more than the sum-total of your traumas.

[–] • 0 pt

Alright. Here we go. Look up Dave Ramsey on line. Not for his financial advice, although most of that is good, but for his list of, before marriage, questions. He has a list of 7 things that are the cause of most divorces. It's a good list to make sure you Both are compatible with each other. MOVE! Move to the bible belt! Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky, Alabama, Georgia. Find a small town in Tennessee, find a job there, find a nice little house kind of out of town, and find a Church where they Truly Believe in God! Not just on Sunday, but all week long! Find one with some good elders and deacons. They had better be the kind that are there for you or they are not following the Word. And not a church that answers to some "central organization"! The true church that was approved in the first years of the church were Not under the rule of a organization! Each church had their own Elders that were over that church, deacons that carried out the work that the elders thought should be done. Anything else is outside of the teachings of scriptures. Don't worry much about the job not paying as much as one in the city. It doesn't cost as much to live in small towns. Plus your, usually white, neighbors will be more than happy to help you out with anything! Don't be afraid to ask! They will think that it might insult you if they come and offer their help. But they would love to be there for you!

[–] • 0 pt

NO ONE gets out of childhood unscathed. Take some risks, it’s the only way to grow and learn how to get along and be a better person.

[–] • 0 pt

Everyone has problems in their childhood. Some problems are bigger than others, but everyone had to cope with what they were given. The important thing is to act like a decent human being toward other people, and not to become a victim and blame someone else for your problems today. You are what you make yourself into, and you have no excuse for what you yourself freely do. Blame is not useful in directing your life. Choose wisely those things you know to be right. Become a man of principles and stick with your principles. Ask for direction from a higher power in your prayers, and you will receive direction. It's always there, we just need to stop be arrogant and smug, and ask for it.

[–] • 0 pt

I dont blame others, i stopped doin that many years ago. However, I feel like im somehow responsible, but i dont know how

[–] • 0 pt

Your "feeling responsible" is likely from the anxious reaction that you developed from the trauma as a kid. A great behavioral model discussed in therapy is a particular spectrum that has "Child" at one end and "Critical Parent" at the other, then the more balanced "Adult" in the middle. In this model, life events shift us all around this spectrum but a healthy mind should settle back at the "Adult" state. Trauma can cause someone to become stuck at one of the extreme ends.

The Critical Parent feels responsible for resolving whatever crisis they are in (or even just feel that they are in), and their actions will follow the skewed priorities that derive from being in this anxious state. This could lead to constantly barking commands to loved ones, and at an extreme this could take the form of physical abuse to punish even the slightest deviation from said commands.

A few sessions with a therapist that understands this model helps tremendously to recognize when you're in this state and how to get back to a functioning Adult. But if nothing else at least remember that you shouldn't worry about things that you cannot control.

[–] • 0 pt

How do you still tolerate your mother in your life?

[–] • 1 pt

I honestly dont know, outside family ties, she's really not a nice person. But on the other hand, what do i tell people? I dont talk to my parents because they're raging assholes?

[–] • 0 pt

No. You don't need to tell people squat. If you feel comfortable sharing, they will understand