To explain the mind poison part, ill give some examples I witnessed. Every time she would ask clarification questions in the beginning of the relationship, the model used was a relay between me and her mom. She would act as the mediator between the two, with her siblings injected into the middle. The thing is, yes, my past actions have very valid reasons and explanations, however, they come off as weird to someone who doesn't come from such an environment. So one sibling was trying to make it seem like im an axe wielding psycho, one was saying that my gf should just ghost me/treat me like shit, and than there was the take it slow advice. The thing is all the advice given went contrary to what my gf wanted, so you end up in a very nasty position where you end up being some sort of antidote between the person you're with and the vitriol coming from the parents.
The marriage case has been really weird because im not used to the conventions of the why in this family. The reactions im getting from my gf about asking her parents have been so wild as to be from horribly baffling to very easy going. From my position without an accurate gauge on their reaction, i could be walking into a massive trap and not even realize it, or causing a lot of resentment within the family for even asking.
Dude….this relationship could possibly be doable if she had boundaries and was willing to enforce them regardless of the blowback from her family. And even then, she would still likely have issues to get worked out so that she could remain healthy in such a batshit insane family environment.
But I don’t get the impression that she has any boundaries at all. I mentioned this in my original post as a speculation, but you’ve pretty much confirmed that I was correct with your reply.
The only two people in charge of a relationship should be the two people in the relationship. That’s not the case here.
If you marry this woman, every decision, disagreement…EVERYTHING will be dealt with and decided by this dysfunctional group of clowns.
This means that when it comes to your marriage, instead of two people getting a vote (as it should be), multiple people get a vote. So, your own vote as it pertains to YOUR relationship will be negated and/or discounted by other people who you aren’t married to and shouldn’t even get a vote.
It would be like if Californians, New Yorkers, and Oregonians were allowed to vote in our state government elections here in Texas. They don’t actually live here and I do, but yet they get a vote?
Run, dude. Run and don’t look back.
If you marry this woman it’s clearly out of your own desperation (fear of loneliness or sex withdrawls?)
There are millions of women. You can find a good one. This ain’t it.
Preferably, you want someone who comes from a healthy family dynamic.
At the least, the woman needs to already be aware of whether or not she was brought up in a functional or dysfunctional family…she should know this without you having to tell her..and if it’s dysfunctional and she is aware that it is, then she must already understand and have boundaries to guard against the crazies in her own family, and be willing to consistently enforce those boundaries. She should already be practiced at this before you are dating her.
My fiancée did not come from a healthy family dynamic. BUT, she is aware of it and already knows what she must do in terms of boundaries and such. And she does it. I didn’t have to bring these things up with her or make her aware of them. She already knew. That is key. My ex-wife became begrudgingly aware because that awareness was foisted upon her by external forces (namely me). But even then, because she didn’t come to that knowledge of her own volition, there was never a real commitment to dealing with it on her part. Her life, to this day, is still completely run by a combination of unreliable, fleeting emotions coupled with the opinions of immoral idiots just like herself. If she gets married again, it will be her third marriage. THIRD. No one gets married THREE times without having a hand in all the failure along the way.
One big difference between my ex-wife and myself is that I actually own up to my own mistakes and learned from them. She never has, and sadly, she probably never will. Every failed relationship in her life is 100% “the other person’s fault”, just ask her LOL.
But I digress. Don’t marry a fickle, crazy, easily-influenced dumbass with a family full of clowns. Just don’t.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but this shit seems very crystal clear to me. It’s like I’m watching someone going down the same road I’ve already been down in slow motion and I’m screaming “don’t do it!”
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