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381

I've been on a journey of profound introspection lately, and it's led me to a single, powerful conclusion about my next vehicle: I am done with modern automotive complexity.

No more infotainment systems that freeze up because they're trying to download a 3D map of Mars while streaming a podcast and handling a Bluetooth call. I'm over it. I'm tired of having to do a soft-reset by holding down a combination of buttons that feels like I'm unlocking a cheat code in a 90s video game.

The solution? A vehicle so simple, so pure, that its most advanced feature is "on" and "off."

My new chariot will feature:

Engine: A single-cylinder Briggs & Stratton engine. You want to know what's wrong with it? You open the hood and look. No diagnostics port, no cryptic error codes. Just a spark plug, a fuel line, and a lot of satisfyingly loud chugging. And instead of X-drive, this will have chain drive.

Wheels: Straight from the Home Depot aisle. They're designed for wheelbarrows, which means they can handle a load of concrete, so I'm confident they'll get me to the grocery store. Plus, a flat tire means a quick trip to aisle 12, not a three-hour wait for a tow truck.

Infotainment: A pocket radio. That's it. It has AM/FM and a volume knob that actually works, every single time.

Repair Manual: A single sheet of paper with the words "Check the plug, dummy."

When this car breaks down, it won't be a mystery. It will be a mechanical problem with a mechanical solution. It's a revolt against the sleek, silent, and frustratingly opaque. It's about taking back control from the engineers and the programmers.

Some people want a car that's a rolling supercomputer. Me? I just want one that works. And if I have to restart it, it's because I ran out of gas, not because a software update corrupted the climate control system.

Who's with me?

I've been on a journey of profound introspection lately, and it's led me to a single, powerful conclusion about my next vehicle: I am done with modern automotive complexity. No more infotainment systems that freeze up because they're trying to download a 3D map of Mars while streaming a podcast and handling a Bluetooth call. I'm over it. I'm tired of having to do a soft-reset by holding down a combination of buttons that feels like I'm unlocking a cheat code in a 90s video game. The solution? A vehicle so simple, so pure, that its most advanced feature is "on" and "off." My new chariot will feature: Engine: A single-cylinder Briggs & Stratton engine. You want to know what's wrong with it? You open the hood and look. No diagnostics port, no cryptic error codes. Just a spark plug, a fuel line, and a lot of satisfyingly loud chugging. And instead of X-drive, this will have chain drive. Wheels: Straight from the Home Depot aisle. They're designed for wheelbarrows, which means they can handle a load of concrete, so I'm confident they'll get me to the grocery store. Plus, a flat tire means a quick trip to aisle 12, not a three-hour wait for a tow truck. Infotainment: A pocket radio. That's it. It has AM/FM and a volume knob that actually works, every single time. Repair Manual: A single sheet of paper with the words "Check the plug, dummy." When this car breaks down, it won't be a mystery. It will be a mechanical problem with a mechanical solution. It's a revolt against the sleek, silent, and frustratingly opaque. It's about taking back control from the engineers and the programmers. Some people want a car that's a rolling supercomputer. Me? I just want one that works. And if I have to restart it, it's because I ran out of gas, not because a software update corrupted the climate control system. Who's with me?
[–] • 2 pts

Why do people always go to the opposite extreme when they don't like the state of something in the world? Rather than go full motorized trailer frame for your next vehicle, why not shoot for a level of technology that is above primitive but not full-blown tech garbage? You know, like a car from the 70s was highly functional but not burdened with excess technology. Shoot for that level of useful vehicular capability.

[–] • 1 pt

Ok. How about the classic aluminum body Land Rover Series II hand crank model? I'd go for that.

[–] • 1 pt

Unless you intend to buy aftermarket parts (MSD ignition or similar), get something older without the mandated electronic ignitions of the 70s. Those things were a catastrophe. So pre 74 for most of the stuff.

[–] • 3 pts

Unless you intend to buy aftermarket parts (MSD ignition or similar), get something older without the mandated electronic ignitions of the 70s. Those things were a catastrophe. So pre 74 for most of the stuff.

That wasn't my point. I just meant dial it back to something workable instead of going full on primitive just because modern tech in cars is bad. Whatever is workable for you is what should be considered proper without turning caveman just to make a statement.

[–] • 1 pt

Swap a Mercedes OM617 in to something. You can start the engine by hand crank if you make a gear reduction, and they require no electricity to run. They shut off via vacuum or a mechanical lever. You can also run them on filtered grease. You don't need fancy biodiesel, just filtered grease that flows at ambient temperature.

[–] • 1 pt

I'm there too. My father actually had the same revelation in the 1980s after they "anti-smogged" the shit out of engines. He proposed going back to a Model T approach - but including hydraulic brakes.

[–] • 1 pt

I think if a car company came out with a very basic car, it would sell. It probably wouldn't be America's top seller, but it would be profitable. I can't get Tata motors Nano out of head.

[–] • 1 pt

I think i have what you're looking for. I'm selling my craftsman lawnmower. 15.5hp B&S. Still going strong. Comes with aisle 12 tires, a Walkman fm radio, and a single cupholder. I seemed to have misplaced the owners manual but I can probably type one up. $400