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People give me money and that's cool because holy shit is life expensive. Every guy I know (I only meet people at work) has tried to get in my pants. Gross. The stuff I learned on voat about single moms being good for nothing except a quick lay is a real attitude that some men have. I don't want sex, I want a hug. It's very difficult to not get those daily hugs from a grown man anymore. My children didn't just lose their father, they also lost their mother. I am a completely different person and I'm still changing. I have to be tough and that is not feminine. But I'm still alive and haven't quit doing what I have to do even though I want to burn everything down and fuck off to the woods and cry forever.

Thanks to everyone who replied, even the ones who weren't nice. I do have one female friend that helps me a lot. And I will take your advice and call myself a widow instead of a single mother even though the word makes me sad.

People give me money and that's cool because holy shit is life expensive. Every guy I know (I only meet people at work) has tried to get in my pants. Gross. The stuff I learned on voat about single moms being good for nothing except a quick lay is a real attitude that some men have. I don't want sex, I want a hug. It's very difficult to not get those daily hugs from a grown man anymore. My children didn't just lose their father, they also lost their mother. I am a completely different person and I'm still changing. I have to be tough and that is not feminine. But I'm still alive and haven't quit doing what I have to do even though I want to burn everything down and fuck off to the woods and cry forever. Thanks to everyone who replied, even the ones who weren't nice. I do have one female friend that helps me a lot. And I will take your advice and call myself a widow instead of a single mother even though the word makes me sad.

(post is archived)

[–] • 30 pts

Widows are treated with respect. Single moms are just sluts. Which are you?

[–] • 15 pts

That's a good way to word that. 'Single mom' without context makes me think of a mom who was either never married or divorced, hinting at poor life choices. 'Widow' on the other hand means OP at least got married.

Meatlady, I'm sorry you lost your husband. You didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't be treated poorly. Too many women make poor choices so a lot of men avoid single moms, but the right man will understand the difference. I hope you're able to find happiness despite what's happened. I can't imagine what you're going through.

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

You didn't do anything wrong...

She didn't say she lost her husband, she said he died. She could've poisoned him or pushed him off a cliff.

[–] • 6 pts

Both, I'm a single mom because my husband died.

[–] • 20 pts

"Widow" trumps "single mother," in the modern discourse.

If you were married and your children were born to your now-passed husband, you are a widow, and that is absolutely not a problem to anyone who espouses a return to classic Europan culture.

If your child was had out of wedlock? Then we don't give two shits, you get what's coming to you, and you are good for nothing but a pump-and-dump, good luck on the carousel while it lasts.

That is why the distinction exists, and why it matters.

[–] • 18 pts

You are not a single mother. You are a grieving widow. These are vastly different.

Historically, widows have been honored and taken care of by society. You weren't a disgusting slut who let some scumbag conceive a bastard in you. You are an honorable woman who swore a vow to be loyal to the man who would become the father of your children. Tragedy struck you, nobody is immune from this, and life certainly isn't fair.

It has not even been a year since your loss. You are in great pain and turmoil still, I am sure. You must grieve. We are here for you on poal when you want to talk. You are not the first woman this has happened to. You said your child "also lost his mother"; I understand you are feeling very down on yourself in general. This will pass with time- please don't hate me for the cliche, but time really is the only thing that will help.

Whenever you are really struggling, or feel that the absence of your husband is unbearable, I want you to remind yourself: YOU STILL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND. Look down. See that little fella running around? That's a part of him. That boy is his legacy, and he chose you as his wife because he believed in you. He believed that if something horrible like this were to happen, that his children would be in your good hands. You cannot be his father, but you will always be his mother, and he will always be the greatest creation that you and your husband every graced this earth with.

Please reach out whenever you feel the need to. Some of us cynics actually do care.

[–] • 5 pts

Exactly. We do not care for the majority of people, but we care for our own. Endless compassion means nothing; distinction and discrimination in love is what gives it value.

[–] • 11 pts

Don't be an idiot. You are one of the other. You can't expect men to treat someone who calls herself a "single mom" with respect. Single moms are dirty sluts. Widows are not. They are two completely different things. If you call yourself a "single mom" you are also dishonoring your late husband and your children. Stop bringing dishonor upon your family, and call yourself what you are: a widow.

[–] [deleted] • 5 pts

He said specifically "Which are you?", implying a key difference you certainly aren't picking up.

So, answer the question. Please. And this time, no non-answers. One or the other. Choose.

[–] • 4 pts (edited )

You were a wife and mother before, being a wife is the only one of those that changed. So chosing to identify as a single mom can look like your 1st priority is to be seen as a victim, it makes it about you. When 99x out of 100 we know ppl assume it must imply some deadbeat dad somewhere. Identifying as a widow acknowledges/honours your husband in a more selfless way imo. Which brings honour to you and your kids.

As far as Voat goes, can’t say I seen anyone bragging about wanting to shag single moms other then the “show me your tits” degenerates that wouldn’t survive a month in a Strong Man, honour culture, but knowing you survived in a place that rough is a good sign or your mental strength imo.

[–] • 3 pts

You're widowed. You didn't make stupid choices, life just happens. Yes, jerks will try to just "get into your pants" or skirt as the case may be.

To properly raise kids, you really need a male role model. Problem, how to pick the right one. First off, make friends. Ask for small favors just to see the reaction. Safe favors: Ask a friendly guy who is self sufficient to go pick up supplies because you can't leave your kids alone. Give him cash and see how honest he is. If he brings back change to the penny and gives you a receipt to prove he spent exactly what you gave him and didn't take anything for himself is a test of his honesty.

Another good test is if he will happily fix something around the house that's broken. Believe me, this is a guy's job. If he really likes you, he will do this stuff for free.

[–] • -1 pt (edited )

Oldgoat, Stop being such an incel nigger, women can become single for a number of reasons, one of which would be the man leaving and thereby failing in his purpose.

And those people who upvoted his disrespectful comment, you need to fuck off and find another political ideology

[–] • 0 pt

Stop being such an incel nigger

Huh. I could have sworn that I had five White children.

[–] • 12 pts

I dated a guy who's dad died when he was twelve, his four siblings were younger than he was. He was 24 when I dated him so they had been without him for a long time.

His mother stayed sad but functional. Never dated again. I don't think the family ever recovers completely, but it gives a lot of maturity to all children involved and can sometimes launch them into being very independent and reliable little humans. They leaned a lot on their church for emotional support, and it was good for them.

I hope that you have a good support system. I'm sorry for your loss. May it strengthen you all.

[–] [deleted] • 5 pts

I don't really have any advice for you. Just acknowledging that's a tough situation and I wish you strength and luck.

[–] • 4 pts (edited )

This is profoundly hard, and I'm sorry. I'll be thinkin' about ya, even though that's worth nothing. Men are extremely selfish when it comes to sexual opportunity - they have almost no respect for other men who they are not close with. Unless that man exists to put respect in them, they'll start to circle. You do not want anything to do with a man that tries to vulture a widow. Really.

The difficulty you are going through will change with time. There are a lot of hard days ahead, and there's nothing - just fucking nothing - that causes things to change except for time. The memories will always be there, and there will be a latent sense of his absence, but the only way I can describe it from the point of view of grief I've faced, is that the nature of the memories and the grief changes somehow. The love never goes away, but the hurt loses that edge that right now cuts you deep each time you recall it. It stops doing that. You accept.

As a man whose father died when he was young, your kids will never think of you as not being their mother. They didn't lose their mother. I know this because I know what it made me think about my own mother. She was a mom who took on more roles and more responsibility, and it engendered my siblings and I with a profound respect for her.

Seriously, you're super fucking important to them, and more than you realize. You're really needed. Someday when your children are older, and they have children of their own and they can begin to imagine it, there'll be a moment it really hits each one of them how tremendous it is that you've handled yourself the way you did all those years.

Toughness does not equal masculinity. It might sound cheesy, but think Ellen Ripley. She was tough, but still very feminine.

Just keep moving. If you need to put your face in a pillow and scream, do it. If you need to take a drive around the block, and scream, do it. Stay in close contact and open yourself up to people that are close to you, if you have them. Your parents. His. Your close friends. If you need a night to yourself, ask for it. I found that a person's adaptive programs kick in, and you get by for weeks or months at a time by, more or less, pushing things under, but at increments there will come days that it all has to come out. You have to honor those times, and let it come out. I think the six month mark is an important time - at least it was for me. It's like that is when I really began to process things and some of my worst nights happened.

A word of advice. Don't seek solace in the bottle. It will make your life exponentially harder, and as a medicine it is only 'good' till dawn anyway. And it's never actually good.

Keep moving.

[–] • 3 pts

There's nothing wrong with you making friends again.

By all means do so. Friends can help.

Find the right one and maybe it'll make all the difference. Just remember, the rules haven't changed. Decent people are decent people, and scumbags are scumbags. Don't waste your time with scumbags. You are looking for someone special to spend the rest of your days with.

Make a special time for the right man, and the kids are not going to be an issue for him. Quite the opposite. Kids are fun when they are not wrecking everything:)

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

You wont find compassion here, that isn't what these people will offer. I haven't lost a spouse in my life.

I have been broken, and I healed. You will too. That is what we as humans do. However you need to tell someone irl what it is you need.

If from a man then so be it. If from your kids...so be it.

You will need companionship eventually, it isnt a bad thing. It is just what you do. You wont tarnish your husband's memory either. You need to cry, scream in the pillow, and after some time.....remove the smell of him from your closet, you home, and your mind lastly.

I wish you well....I think you will be fine.

[–] • 0 pt

you should read this. Ferret is a smart guy with this stuff

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

No I am not, and don't think I am. There is just a normalcy with people is all.

Observations is all I can give.

[–] • 3 pts

I'm sorry for your loss, and I empathize with the difficulties you must be facing, if hearing that from a stranger on the internet is any consolation.

I'd have to agree with other posts here - identify as a Widow rather than a Single Mom, both in terminology and spirit, and society will likely treat you differently.

And you have every right and reason to feel like fucking off to the woods and crying forever. But, as I'm sure you know, you do not have the right to actually do it. Fortunately, when you've accomplished the duty of raising your kids into respectable and capable adults, overcoming the many tough but possible challenges ahead, you will feel better than if you gave up.

If you don't have one, take the time to build a support network. Condolences and best wishes, internet stranger.

[–] • 3 pts

You'll find another spouse. I have plenty of ancestors who either got divorced or remarried due to death of a spouse. Even former First Lady Cleveland remarried after her husband President Cleveland passed away

[–] • 2 pts

That's a nice thought but the idea of a another man is still disgusting to me. My husband was awesome, fit, made loads of money, and was really smart. I had something with him that everyone wants and almost no one ever finds. Finding that twice in one lifetime seems impossible.

[–] • 3 pts

I'm sure you will. I got a story for you

My late Great-Grandmother (Maternal Grandfather's Mom b. 1920 d. 2009) lost my Great-Grandfather (b. 1913) in 1990. She was around 70 years old when my Great-Grandpa died. My Great-Grandfather was this very kind dedicated hard working man.

For 11 years she was all alone. Then she found my step-great grandfather (b. 1915 d. 2020). He was very similar to my Great-Grandfather. My Grandfather's siblings had picked up on the similarities my Step Great Grandfather had to my Great Grandfather when they first met my Step Great Grandfather.

It could take some time but yes I am sure you will (if you're up for it) find someone you want.

If your kids are old enough, I recommend getting the family gym memberships and start working out. You'll want to keep yourself in shape for you, your kids and it could help you find another spouse when you're ready.

You have to find out what your goal is with your fitness. Figure out what that is and go with it. Your kids, especially your sons, should be lifting as early as 12 years old. They just gotta be careful not to push themselves too hard

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

All those things pale in comparison to if he was a good husband, a caring father, or loving man.

People here are extremely judging and when you say what you did...doesn't show an emotional bond in how they perceive a marriage should be.

You will catch hell.

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts (edited )

There were a lot of weak men on voat that tried to blame their unmentioned personal relationship fuck ups, on anyone but themselves, including their wives or girlfriends. I know a lot of guys like that and the reason their marriage splits is because they're complete assholes. Not saying the guy has to bend over and yes dear about everything, but their is no need to be an unappreciative asshole to your wife. Sometimes the leftists and the right are not so different.

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